Quite simply, given two choices from this list the Monkey would hold his nose and support the higher-ranking one come election time. And without further ado:
1. Chris Christie - Governor, New Jersey (R)
Hands down number one choice. Unfortunately will not run, but would be a much welcome throwback Republican in the mode of Theodore Roosevelt (and with the physique of Roosevelt's VP for good measure.)
2. John Huntsman - Former Governor of Utah (R)
Way too fucking sane to ever get the nomination. And too smart. He's like the guy teaching AP classes at a school where the entire student body (i.e. GOP primary electorate) all rolls up in the short bus. Would probably demolish Obitchba with landslide numbers if he did get nominated. i.e. if the rest of the GOP field were blown up by Michele Bachmann in a suicide attack or something.
3. Mitt Romney - Douchebag (R)
The Republican version of Al Gore. Still better than Obitchba. But still pretty much Al Gore redux.
Holy fuck! 3 Republicans at the top of the list? Better get some balance.
4) Obitchba - Supposed President, (D)
The Monkey has played with the idea of coming up with a list of the top 5 fictional black presidents of all time. You know, you'd have David Palmer from 24 - and we'd slot him way above most ACTUAL presidents in terms of coolness and overall badassery. Then maybe his brother Wayne in second. Then Morgan Freeman from Deep Impact. Then Danny Glover from 2012 (because he WAS kind of a wussy.) But not nearly the wussy as the 5th-ranked fictional black president, Barack Obitchba. Hey Obitchba, have you worked out the wording of your next "compromise" with the GOP yet? You know, that whole "repeal the Emancipation Proclamation" bill.
5) Ron Paul - Congressman and conspiracy nut (R)
We don't like a lot of Paul's racist crap. And the monetary stuff is flat-out insane. But the rest of the ideas do appeal to the Monkey's very wide libertarian streak.
6) This bum pissing in a garbage bag (I)
7) Der Christenfuhrer Rick Perry, Gauleiter of Texas (R)
Probably could have beaten out "Bum Pissing in Trash Bag" before dialing the Jesus up to about e-lev-en. This fucking hayseed Nazi is like George W. Bush without the sophistication. And he'll GET the nomination. BET that. The Monkey truly misses the days when the Republican party was other than a postmodern analog for the Franquist movement in Spain. Seriously, you basically have a political party made up of three major groups: the hard-core religious nuts (the Carlists and Catholic hierarchy = today's "social conservatives"), the militarist/colonialists (then the army officers, now the neocons), and the flat-out neo-fascists (teabaggers today standing in nicely for the Falange of yore.) With big-money plutocrats and crony capitalists smiling as these interest groups all are manipulated easily into doing their bidding.
8) Michelle Bachmann, fucking nutjob (R)
Newsweek called her the "Queen of Rage." Yeah, well, there is a Raging Queen in that household and it ain't her.
9) Rick Santorum, deeply conflicted closet case (R)
10) Newt Gingrich, central casting depiction of Republican candidate in next Michael Moore/Oliver Stone collaboration.
11) A pile of dog shit
Enough said about that, other than it may be a little too fair to the pile of dog shit to have this walking mound of feces actually ranked within one slot of it. Go away you fucking skank. Go spawn a couple more children with first names straight out of "Idiocracy" and spare the rest of us the agony of hearing your ghastly shrieking voice on television every two minutes.
