Political Power Rankings

Responding to a friend's question as to who the Monkey would support if it was Obitchba versus Der Christenfuhrer next year, we offer the following.

Quite simply, given two choices from this list the Monkey would hold his nose and support the higher-ranking one come election time. And without further ado:

1. Chris Christie - Governor, New Jersey (R)
Hands down number one choice. Unfortunately will not run, but would be a much welcome throwback  Republican in the mode of Theodore Roosevelt (and with the physique of Roosevelt's VP for good measure.)

2. John Huntsman - Former Governor of Utah (R)
Way too fucking sane to ever get the nomination. And too smart. He's like the guy teaching AP classes at a school where the entire student body (i.e. GOP primary electorate) all rolls up in the short bus. Would probably demolish Obitchba with landslide numbers if he did get nominated. i.e. if the rest of the GOP field were blown up by Michele Bachmann in a suicide attack or something.

3. Mitt Romney - Douchebag (R)
The Republican version of Al Gore. Still better than Obitchba. But still pretty much Al Gore redux.

Holy fuck! 3 Republicans at the top of the list? Better get some balance.

4) Obitchba - Supposed President, (D)
The Monkey has played with the idea of coming up with a list of the top 5 fictional black presidents of all time. You know, you'd have David Palmer from 24 - and we'd slot him way above most ACTUAL presidents in terms of coolness and overall badassery. Then maybe his brother Wayne in second. Then Morgan Freeman from Deep Impact. Then Danny Glover from 2012 (because he WAS kind of a wussy.) But not nearly the wussy as the 5th-ranked fictional black president, Barack Obitchba. Hey Obitchba, have you worked out the wording of your next "compromise" with the GOP yet? You know, that whole "repeal the Emancipation Proclamation" bill.

5) Ron Paul - Congressman and conspiracy nut (R)
We don't like a lot of Paul's racist crap. And the monetary stuff is flat-out insane. But the rest of the ideas do appeal to the Monkey's very wide libertarian streak.

6) This bum pissing in a garbage bag (I)

7) Der Christenfuhrer Rick Perry, Gauleiter of Texas (R)
Probably could have beaten out "Bum Pissing in Trash Bag" before dialing the Jesus up to about e-lev-en. This fucking hayseed Nazi is like George W. Bush without the sophistication. And he'll GET the nomination. BET that. The Monkey truly misses the days when the Republican party was other than a postmodern analog for the Franquist movement in Spain. Seriously, you basically have a political party made up of three major groups: the hard-core religious nuts (the Carlists and Catholic hierarchy = today's "social conservatives"), the militarist/colonialists (then the army officers, now the neocons), and the flat-out neo-fascists (teabaggers today standing in nicely for the Falange of yore.) With big-money plutocrats and crony capitalists smiling as these interest groups all are manipulated easily into doing their bidding.

8) Michelle Bachmann, fucking nutjob (R)
Newsweek called her the "Queen of Rage." Yeah, well, there is a Raging Queen in that household and it ain't her.

9) Rick Santorum, deeply conflicted closet case (R)

10) Newt Gingrich, central casting depiction of Republican candidate in next Michael Moore/Oliver Stone collaboration.

11) A pile of dog shit

12) H.M. Sarah Palin I, Queen of White Trash Nation.
Enough said about that, other than it may be a little too fair to the pile of dog shit to have this walking mound of feces actually ranked within one slot of it. Go away you fucking skank. Go spawn a couple more children with first names straight out of "Idiocracy" and spare the rest of us the agony of hearing your ghastly shrieking voice on television every two minutes.

"Gay rumors" about Der Christenfuhrer?

Beyond the fact that we pretty much assume every wingnut Republican is gay

So the local "gay community" in San Antonio has been floating rumors that Gauleiter Perry is gay? Well, this would not surprise the Monkey THAT much. After all, there is THIS.

This outfit is just one pair of assless chaps away from meeting the dress code at the local leather daddy bar. Whatever that is. Which the Monkey doesn't know, being neither gay nor Republican. Or, uh, er, rather "which the Monkey doesn't know - not being a Republican."

And once again, the Monkey hates Democrats too! It is just that these idiot teabag wingnuts are too easy of a target and must be attacked at every opportunity.

Michelle Cagruesome-Cabrera: the interior monologue

KILL KILL KILL MAIN DESTROY MURDER KILL KILL KILL... Oh wait, camera's on me, need to smile.....Camera back on Sack of Shit Joe Kernen--- KILL MAIM TORTURE KILL KILL KILL KILL.... Camera on. Remember to smile! Ooooh! Kernen takes a break from his witless prattling, need to offer right-wing talking point! Kernen unsurprisingly agrees and is off with more extended witless prattling. Attempts to make a joke, so I need to support my co-wingnutist with some grotesque cackling. KILL DESTROY MURDER MAIM KILL KILL KILL Oh, there goes that twink Sorkin trying to sound vaguely nuanced. KILL KILL KILL BURN KILL MAIM KILL KILL KILL.... Oooh! Camera! Smile! No camera! KILL KILL KILL......

SOA upcoming episodes highlights

MOTHERFUCKING DANNY TREJO COMING ON THIS YEAR!

Oh, hell yeah. And anyone out there who has not seen "Machete" needs to, like right now.

Come to think of it, with Danny Trejo as "Tortuga" in Season 2 of "Breaking Bad" you have added yet another representative from the Monkey's all-time favorite shows.

Let's see, all we need now is representation from "The Wire" and "The Sopranos" to fill out the Pantheon along with "Deadwood," "The Shield," and "Breaking Bad."

Oh also, looks like Putlova and his androgynous name and whack fake accent won't be an ongoing annoyance. But the Monkey wonders - would a regional one-percenter gang really go after the Voriy v Zakone like that?

In the Badass power ratings, by organization, we'd have to slot the Russian Mob a little higher than any biker gang.

Holy fuck, "Sons of Anarchy" back on?

This is how busy the Monkey has been lately - did not even realize a new season of SOA was starting tonight.

Certainly it is nowhere near as good a show as "Breaking Bad." But SOA does pretty well kick the ass of just about everything else on TV right now. Crazy-ass convoluted plot mechanisms aside (thinking of season finale last year.)

Two quick reax:

1) good to see the Reverend Smith from Deadwood kicking it in Charming with Charlie Utter. That dude has the makings of a great antagonist for SAMCRO. Shit, add in Lem from "The Shield" apparently coming on full-time and you are starting to assemble a "who's who" of people from cool shows. What next? Slim Charles from "The Wire" as new boss of the Oakland One-Niner gang? (And Anwan Glover DOES need to be working in frant of a camera somewhere, BTW).

2) hey Kurt Sutter, mad love and everything. But having a Russian mob boss named "Putlova" kind of defeats the purpose of ruling by intimidation. You Russians and Russophiles out there understand what the Monkey is saying here.

Oh, okay, for the rest of the Herd - a Russian man would never have a surname ending in "A". All women do, however. The voriy boss should be named "Putlov" (assuming that is even a Russian name rather than something Kurt Sutter came up with to sound "Russian") with his wife and daughters being the ones called "Putlova."

May not have time to write up a full SOA reax this week. Still need to bust off a "Breaking Bad" one for this week's outstanding episode.

Anyway, good to see SOA back. Even with "Putlova" and the most outrageously bad fake Russian accent this side of Nikolai Volkov singing the USSR national anthem before Georgia Championship Wrestling house shows in 1984. (One of which the Monkey actually attended.)

UPDATE: Tara seems dubious at the prospect of Jax getting out of SAMCRO and going straight. Yes, Tara, we're a bit dubious about that too.

Oh lovely, a Sarah Jessica Parker movie is being advertised. Wait, uh, on "Sons of Anarchy?" You're promo-ing a SJP movie on THIS show? As opposed to, what, "Real Housewives" of wherever? Or, uh ....(struggles to think of what sorts of TV shows the SJP demographic watches. In any event certainly not this one.)

So the title of the movie is "I don't know how she does it." Yeah, the Monkey does not know how she does this either:

Memo to Big 10

Your division names suck ass. The Monkey's peewee football league from way back in the day thinks "Legends" and "Leaders" is some weak-ass shit.

But then of course there is this, which implies some amount of common sense seeping into the pointy headed weenies who came up with this and that the days of "Legends" and "Leaders" may not run past 2011.

JUST 90% disapproval?

Buckeye football reax 09.03.11

At the half Mark May expresses his shock and disappointment over the fact that OSU is not up 35-0 (instead of 21-0) and cannot "make a simple field goal." The implication being that this is a major failure on the order of, oh, that year Cooper went to the Valtrex Herpes Relief Ointment Bowl in Memphis and embarrassed us against Air Force.

When last we checked during the pregame show before our walloping of Arkansas, May did concede that the Buckeyes MAY have guys with SOME speed. On a "straight line" basis. But nowhere near the "side to side" speed found in the sainted SEC in general. And Arkansas in particular. Who we then just blitzkrieged. (Before the de rigeur Sweater-Vest attempt to give the game back to them in the second half via offensive and defensive play-calls.)

If this were "Family Guy" we would now cut to footage of a teenage Mark May getting beat up by a dude in an OSU shirt.

What the fuck is that guy's problem anyway? And it is not just the Monkey and his associates that have noticed this. Let's see what some google-fu can accomplish by typing "why does Mark May"

Aha! Just as we thought!

Here is the Monkey's answer to this question: BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING JACKASS. And here is a picture of him practicing for what he will be doing after the show is over.