Michelle Cagruesome-Cabrera: the interior monologue

KILL KILL KILL MAIN DESTROY MURDER KILL KILL KILL... Oh wait, camera's on me, need to smile.....Camera back on Sack of Shit Joe Kernen--- KILL MAIM TORTURE KILL KILL KILL KILL.... Camera on. Remember to smile! Ooooh! Kernen takes a break from his witless prattling, need to offer right-wing talking point! Kernen unsurprisingly agrees and is off with more extended witless prattling. Attempts to make a joke, so I need to support my co-wingnutist with some grotesque cackling. KILL DESTROY MURDER MAIM KILL KILL KILL Oh, there goes that twink Sorkin trying to sound vaguely nuanced. KILL KILL KILL BURN KILL MAIM KILL KILL KILL.... Oooh! Camera! Smile! No camera! KILL KILL KILL......

Somebody please tell the Monkey who this guy is!

Like every morning, CNBC runs this spot approximately every two minutes. And like every morning, the Monkey remains confused as to why MagicJack is relying so heavily on a US World Cup player. Wasn't the World Cup all the way back in 2010? And again, the Monkey remembers Landon Donovan, Clint Dempsey, and Jozy Altidore from that team. Abby Wambach? Not so much.

It would be like if MagicJack wanted to get one of the 2011 Cleveland Indians as a spokesman and settled on Jack Hanahan or Shelly Duncan. (For the uninitiated, these are far less prominent names than the likes of Asdrubal Cabrera, "Glass" Grady Sizemore, and Travis "look at how my power numbers have diminished once they started testing for steroids" Hafner.)

FUCK! There he is again! The Monkey MUST figure out what this dude's story is.

Obitchba speaking and Monkey did not see this in time to short the S&P

It is unclear as to what methodology one could use to substantiate this, but the Monkey believes that if you shorted any of the broad index funds the minute Obitchba pops up on TV you'd probably do pretty decently.

Seriously, looking at the chart the S&P was recently over 1231. But SOMETHING has shredded 6 - now 7 full points of that - most likely directly coincident with Obitchba getting in front of a mic.

Hey Obitchba! Can you give the Monkey a little more advance warning next time you are planning to go and serve up some red meat to us short sellers?

Now presumably the CNBC idiots probably were announcing that this was upcoming. But that would require listening and paying attention to them and of course that ain't happening anytime soon.

UPDATE: 10 points down and counting. Mind you, prior to the crazy volatility of August a 10 point move in the S&P is a lot if you are talking about a full day. DAMN! Someone needs to write an iPhone App that texts you or something when Obitchba shows up on CNBC so you can get your shorting on.

Chalk another lost banana-making opportunity up to the Monkey being too busy to stay on top of the market stuff right now. 

Oh great, sack of shit Joe Kernen back from vacation.

So Joe, how was your vacation to Bermuda?

SOSJK: It was great. You know, Bermuda is not a terrorist-appeasing surrender monkey place like France.

Joe, do you think the heat wave in Texas really is going to let up?

SOSJK: Yes, and this proves that global warming is a fantasy.

Joe, do you think my cat has lost weight?

SOSJK: She obviously has. What, was Michelle Obama hectoring her about her diet or something?

Joe, should I work out chest or shoulders this morning?

SOSJK: Shoulders - you need strong shoulders in this country to bear the weight of Obama's socialist agenda.

Joe, do you know why I get that goopy shit in the corner of my eyes in the morning?

SOSJK: Well I don't know this but I am sure GOVERNMENT think it knows better than you.

Joe, which was the better Biggie album - Born Again or Life After Death?

SOSJK: Democrats want to tax you on death so I will go with Born Again. However, Democrats DO want to kill babies so I may have to weigh that further and get back to you.

Joe, what did you have for breakfast today?

SOSJK: I asked for FREEDOM FRIES but apparently the government makes McDonalds onll serve breakfast foods so I had to have FREEDOM HASH BROWNS instead.

Thanks Joe! That's all for today!

CNBC - delivering Alpha!

So "Alpha," to the uninitiated, is a term roughly connoting "rate of return greater than overall market forces."

Or some shit like that.

So CNBC is pimping some sort of seminar at which one can likely shell out bananas on top of bananas in order to meet various luminaries from the financial world. That soulless lickspittle Tim Geithner, for example. Say Tim, does evasion of one's own taxes get one closer to Alpha? Just wondering.

Nevertheless, the dude is actually Secretary of the Treasury and this is indeed an important position in the world that was once held by Alexander Hamilton (a long-time hero of the FRM.) So yes, if the price were right it might be worth seeing that guy just to say that you had.

But wait! There's more!

You ALSO get to be the recipient of wisdom from none other than MEREDITH WHITNEY.

Now any member of the Herd probably knows who this dumb bitch is but in case you do not here is a primer:

Meredith Whitney once predicted a major financial calamity in the banking sector. And said calamity happened. And as a result, Meredith Whitney's opinion now MATTERS and she gets to be on CNBC all the time and gets to share the stage with the actual Secretary of the Treasury.

Here is the problem.

FUCKING MEREDITH WHITNEY PREDICTS FINANCIAL CATASTROPHE EVERY TIME SOMEONE HANDS HER A GODDAMNED MICROPHONE!!!!!!!!!!

It would be analogous to the Monkey predicting that it will be 5:10 AM at 5:09 AM and everyone thinking him a genius for making such a call one minute before the event happened. BUT THEN, at 5:11, the Monkey predicts that is will again soon be 5:10. Well, yes, this will indeed happen again SOMETIME. But probably not for, what, 23 hours and 59 minutes?

That is the essence of Meredith Whitney's prognosticative abilities right there. Just predict disaster constantly and at some point the governance of this third-rate decadent empire in decline of ours will deliver said disaster.

And another thing! If you get so much "Alpha" from dumbass Meredith Whitney's advice, what about that 60 minutes interview last December where the dumb cow predicted that like every single US municipality was going to default in 2011 or some shit like that? (Looks around, sees fewer muni defaults in 2011 than in the average year.)

Yeah, following that advice would have Alpha'd you your way into giving hummers in an alley just to keep the electric bill paid.

Stupid CNBC

Memo to Bob Puss-sani:

Angela Merkel's party is NOT the Social Democrats (SPD in German - and we will need to know this when Herr Reichsminister Perry changes the US national language to this in 2013.)

SERIOUSLY! Look at this picture. The only difference between this and Mussolini's college photo is that Il Duce probably had that cool-ass steel helmet with the eagle on it or some shit.

Anyway, Merkel is in the Christian Democratic Union (CDU). They are bitter rivals of the SPD. What Puss-sani said was analogous to "Obama's own party - the Republicans - is unhappy with him."

And EVERYBODY knows that Herman Cain is the official "some of my best friends are" of the Republican party. Not Obitchba.

CNBC morning commercials, or, WTF!?!?!?!

Within the past hour the Monkey has seen literally SIX commercials for something called "MagicJack" (whatever that is) where they've got some dude named Abby Wambach from the US World Cup soccer team as a spokesman.

Now the Monkey would be no kind of euro-phile at all without quite liking futbol. And he does NOT remember anybody by this name being on the World Cup team. Clint Dempsey? Landon Donovan? Yeah, those were the big stars. So was this Wambach guy one of the subs or some shit? And why are we seeing him six times an hour? The Monkey is confused.

So past that there has been, let's see, at least one of the spots where that porn skank advertises the Quibids scam. At least three spots for stamps.com.

What the fuck? Isn't CNBC supposed to be "#1 with affluent viewers?" Why the off-brand line-up of ads more suited for "Paternity Tests vol MXLVII" on "Maury?"

And it is NOT the local cable system. The Monkey travels constantly on business and sees the same crazy shit in every locale.

Some points to CNBC for ditching the CENEGENICS spots that were so ubiquitous last year. "How does THIS 55 year-old have such a hard-core, rocked-out body!?!?!?!?!"

Well the Monkey can tell you (being a talented graphic designer, as you can see here)

IT'S CALLED PHOTOSHOP!!!!!!!!!

"The desire is just..... CONSTANT!!!!!"
(Yeah, the desire by the 60 year-old actor dude for the 35 year-old actress who is supposed to be his wife or something.)

OOOOH! The 2011 version of Cenegenics rears its head with the now-ubiquitous beenverified spots. Much to say about that but it will have to be some other time, as the Monkey now needs to get ready to get out there and rip some some faces off.